Still Learning, Still Giving a Shit

I hit one year at Paladin, and my first thought was that I can’t wait to go into work tomorrow and kick even more ass. Which probably tells you a lot about me.

I wanted to work in music so badly. When you spend so much time trying to get your foot in the door, you don’t really know what life will feel like once you’re actually through it. Then suddenly you’re there, you have responsibilities, people are counting on you, and you’re figuring it out as you go.

I think there’s this expectation around your first year in your career that you should be able to look back and measure your success. List what you accomplished. Explain how far you’ve come. But it’s hard to put a year of learning into a few sentences, especially when you’re still in the middle of it.

There are things I do every day now that I needed help with a year ago. There are also days when I get overwhelmed, overthink an email, or need someone to explain something again. Sometimes I forget how much I’ve learned because I’m so focused on everything I still want to know.

But I’m proud of myself. I want to actually say that without immediately following it up with something I could be doing better.

This year has brought out so much of who I am. I’m driven. I care, sometimes enough to make things harder on myself than they need to be. I want to do a good job, and I want the people around me to know they can count on me. I’ve also had to learn how to take a breath when something goes wrong instead of letting one moment convince me I’m bad at my job.

Sometimes I really do just need to slow down and remember who I am. I can figure things out. And when I can’t, I can ask.

That last part has been a big one for me.

When you’re trying to prove yourself, it’s easy to feel like you should be able to handle everything on your own. But so much of what has made this year good has come from letting other people help me. Asking the question. Admitting I’m stressed. Letting someone talk me through it instead of sitting at my desk spiraling.

I don’t think I could have gotten through this year without my coworkers. When you spend that much time with people, they get to know you pretty well. They can tell when you’re having a day. They understand why something is bothering you without needing the entire backstory. And they can make you laugh when you’ve been taking everything, including yourself, a little too seriously.

They’ve become people I really rely on. I hope they know how grateful I am for their patience, their guidance, and just for making work somewhere I want to be. They probably won’t even read this, but I mean every word.

I still want to be the first one in and the last one out. I still want to work hard and keep getting better. But a year in, I’m realizing how much happens in the everyday stuff. Following up. Following through. Taking feedback and actually using it. Showing up with the same effort even when you’re tired or nothing particularly exciting is happening.

Consistency is something I’m proud of. I said I wanted this, and I’ve kept showing up for it.

I have so much left to learn, and I’m sure there are plenty of humbling moments ahead. But I look at who I was when I started and who I am now, and I feel good about the person I’m becoming.

So happy one year to me. I’m grateful for the people I get to do this with, and I’m really fucking excited to keep going.